The Words That Break Your Heart
One evening, my mom looked at me with wide, worried eyes and said:
“I need to go home now.”
My stomach dropped.
Because we were home.
Same curtains. Same family photos. Same walls she’d walked past for decades.
And still, she wanted to go home.
If you’ve been here, you know how disorienting and painful it feels. You want to reassure them, to fix it, but instead you’re left with a knot in your chest and no idea what to say. We’ve been right there with you.
What Helped Us Understand
At first, we tried to reason with her. We pointed to the furniture, to her closet, even to the clothes she’d sewn with her own hands. But instead of calming her, it only made her more upset. And us, too.
Then came the turning point. About eighteen months ago, we traveled back to Trinidad, my mom’s birthplace. We were staying in a hotel, and one evening she said it again: “I want to go home.”
But this time, it clicked. She wasn’t talking about her childhood home. She wasn’t talking about the house she lived in now. She was talking about the hotel room.
She wasn’t lost—she was trying to tell me something: she was hungry, tired, or needed the bathroom.
And suddenly it all made sense.
“Home” wasn’t a place. It was a code word for comfort and safety.
Wish We’d Found This Sooner
After we pieced this together, we came across a post from @dementiasuccesspath (Krista Montague, CDP). It perfectly described what we had just discovered the hard way.
We wished we had seen it earlier. It would have saved us—and Mom—so much frustration.
What We Do Now (and Why It Works)
Now, when Mom says “I want to go home,” we know she’s speaking her new language. We just have to listen differently.
Here’s what “home” means for her:
- At home: She’s tired, hungry, or thirsty.
- At someone else’s house: She needs the bathroom.
So instead of panic, we keep it simple with yes/no questions:
- “Do you want a nap?”
- “Do you want a snack?”
- “Do you need the bathroom?”
Most times, she’ll nod and say yes. And instead of agitation, we get a little sigh of relief. She feels understood. We feel calmer.
It’s like we’ve learned a foreign word—and suddenly, we’re having a conversation again.
A Tip for Fellow Caregivers
Share this code with family and friends so they can help too. And when you visit someone else’s home, show your loved one where the bathroom is. It’s such a small gesture, but it brings enormous comfort.
Because when they say, “I want to go home,” what they really mean is:
“I want to feel safe.”
And once you know how to hear it, you can give them exactly that.
